The act of venting by using a physical outlet, such as screaming into a pillow or hitting a punching bag, does not actually reduce our levels of anger. Practice this using the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) framework (review the Assertiveness Worksheets in The Thinking Slow Method). It requires that the person state what occurred as a set of factual claims, instead of judging, shaming, blaming or negatively labelling. Healthy communication involves expressing your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an open, yet honest manner without violating the rights of others. You can do this by reviewing the anger iceberg in your Anger Log, and writing down your feelings. To effectively deal with anger, it’s useful to process the primary emotions which drive it. A man who has internalised this belief may respond to the primary emotion of sadness with anger. An example is the statement, “boys don’t cry”. Secondary emotions can be seen as learned behaviours, usually from family and society. Secondary emotions occur as the result of the reaction to the primary emotion. Primary emotions are already present at birth and are experienced first in any given situation. Noticing these thinking patterns without getting carried away by them can help you manage your anger.
Blaming: Blaming other people rather than acknowledging your own role in the situation, e.g., “What happened was all her fault!”.Catastrophizing: Making a mountain out of a molehill and assuming the worst-case scenario, e.g., “The train is running late – the whole day is probably ruined now!”.
Studies suggest that the feeling of anger is often influenced by the thinking pattern a person has about a situation.Įxamples of thinking patterns that feed anger include catastrophizing, blaming and overgeneralizing. Next time you feel your anger levels rising, practice tuning into your body and seeing what you notice. Recognizing and understanding these signs helps with successful anger management. People often say that their anger “just seems to come out of nowhere”, when in fact there are several physical warning signs that anger is rising. Although anger is what we see on the surface, there’s often a range of emotions hidden underneath. The Anger Iceberg represents this psychological phenomenon. Whereas anger provides us with a surge of energy and can help us feel powerful, fear and sadness are more difficult for us to sit with and express. It’s thought that we subconsciously shift into anger to protect ourselves from more vulnerable, uncomfortable emotions such as fear and sadness. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.” - Lori GottliebĪnger is often referred to as a secondary emotion.
But often it’s only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either weren’t aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. “Anger is the go-to feeling for most people because it’s outward-directed - angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious.
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